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Lifestory Showcase - Chappell
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You will have realised from the previous chapter that mother and I are no longer living together but we are much closer now than ever. Having lived and settled down in Milton Keynes for over six years together1 we were to take yet another very big step for us both, in 1989. Mother was now in her 82nd year and me in my 60th year, we had often talked of mother's death and the fact I would then be alone, but it was something we had to face and make provision for. By 1989, mother felt she had done as much as possible for me and my future, and like everyone she could not see completely into that. No matter how we plan, the future is ultimately in God's hands. Everything seemed to be ready for a change again... but what?
Unfortunately, mother's hearing had been deteriorating for some years1 but then why shouldn't it at 82. Tinnitus and balance trouble was affecting her badly, and I confess and am ashamed of myself to say, that I just could not cope with her disability and my own. Deafness and a spastic speech problem in one home, was just too much.
Neither of us could cope with it or each other and living together was becoming a great strain with tempers always easily sparked off. It was making us both so upset, ill and feeling low and run down. I was trying to lead my own life but, with Mum around, could not even make a cup of tea. I knew that I could, without making an awful mess.
1 just could not do it; and to be honest she just would not let go after over sixty years of doing all those things which had always seemed far too dangerous for me to do. I might just scald or burn myself, but so could anyone else.. If ever I did put a plate of food into the microwave oven, she would take it out before I had a chance to get there. It was the habit of a lifetime for mother. Her hands had always been there and they would not stop.
I was becoming anything but sweet tempered - the temper and frustration has always got the better of me - and like the old saying and song 'You always hurt the one you love' - dear mother got the brunt of it all. Quite rightly she had had enough of me and my attitude. My temper was always getting the better of me and giving her hell.
I seemed to have become a real Jekyll and Hyde character and she could do nothing to please me, nor I her. This was after giving up her whole life to me for sixty years. What was I doing and worse still what was I saying? Mother had come to the end of her tether. Consequently. she spent many hours on her own sat in the conservatory by day and in bed at night, just thinking and worrying about me and my future.
Apart from this, she was running the home and doing all the cooking1 washing, cleaning, shopping and all the daily responsibilities doing things that I should be sharing with her. We would try to talk it all through, over and over again. day and night often into the early hours. This did neither of us any good at all. She would get very little sleep, trying to read all night while I cried myself to what little sleep I had.
Mum just could not see me coping on my own, and I never had a chance to prove anything at all to her or myself, as she was always there. She could not break the habits of sixty years. She had nothing to live for except to sit and worry day and night about what was going to happen to me. I think she would admit now, that she did not want to and just could not let go.
She can still hear the birds singing, and some other people quite well but she hardly ever heard what I said the first time. I had to repeat everything I said, at least twice, shouting when it wasn’t at all necessary. That did not help her hearing or throbbing head and I admit I just did not care. It had all got out of proportion and right out of control with faults on both sides.
It was very frustrating for both of us and the tension was terrible as soon as we tried to communicate. Something had to happen - someone else had to intervene. At home I just had my faithful computer to sit at, write letters , then play games on, until late at night before getting a very restless sleep. We both held on to our faith somehow.
I was still going to church and calling on God to help us both - but it was tempers - tears - and prayer, in that order for about a year. We needed a miracle. It was the worst period of our lives together and there seemed no end to it; but neither of us ever regretted moving to Milton Keynes.
The miracle occurred, though not in the way I would have particularly wanted at the time. Her age had really caught up with her over the past year, she had bad arthritis in her hips and knees, which meant she could not do as much as she did. Only surgery could begin to put her hips and knees right, and that would be really too risky at her age.
She was prescribed some medicine, which immediately gave her very severe headaches, this was not like mum at all. Luckily the doctor came in while she was reeling around and losing her balance, as happens with the ear trouble she has had for many years, ears always popping, banging and roaring day and night. This must be terrible for mum and my voice sounds awful to her and I must admit that I did not always make allowances for this.
Mum had by now realised it was all too much for her and had had a very nasty persistent cough for a long time. This caused a lung infection and slight pneumonia and she finally went into hospital for a week where they treated her and finally cleared it up. However, when it happened and she was taken into hospital, I had to get down to managing for myself right away and coped very well. I surprised myself to how easy it was, and have to confess that I really enjoyed being on my own.
When she went, I just felt so relieved. I got up four times during the first night, wandered around in my chair, and made a cup of tea. Since then, I have had several very understanding Home Helps who come in every morning, bright and cheerful, help me with my shoes and socks, prepare a meal and we have a good laugh over what has happened to each other the day before. I am usually up and had my cup of tea and am sometimes partly dressed, when she arrives, if she is not helping me to shower which doesn’t take us very long.
Mum was in hospital only a week, then Derek my brother came and took her back to Dorset for three weeks, where she was quite happy, picking beans and going round the farm, seeing what big alterations he has done recently. She was also kept busy pushing Sam her great grandson around in his pushchair. She also helped to run the house and look after the many dogs, all of which was good and just what she wanted.
The Social Services had been negotiating with the Housing Dept about us splitting up, and now a bungalow was found for mum here on Beanhill, five minutes walk from me. This is just right for her and a lot better for both our sakes. Now we can visit each other whenever we feel like it or not. Dear mum has now seen me settled down hopefully with a future and realises that I am able to live my own life. I still have her around to go out together, and she still does very minor things for me, washing, mending etc.
We had a few minor problems to sort out at first. I got a bit too independent taking a ‘don't need you anymore’ attitude . This was wrong of me but I felt she was interfering with what the Home Carer was doing for me. I have since realised and appreciated how hard it is for Mum to be on her own for the first time ever at nearly 83, after all she has done. It is still early days yet, but it is getting easier for us both.
She is still able to drive my car and we go shopping together and is still able to help and advise me on daily living but I am now my own boss and have to plan meals for myself. The good old rnicrowave is my best friend here, after my Computer. I am taking every day as it comes, trying not to bother anyone, but I have some very good friends on the end of the phone. I also have the 24 hour alarm system, which only means pulling a cord for help, and a warden who calls once a week.
Now we are both on our own now, which I feel sure is helping the situation, at least I am living in the right place, where everything I need is laid on by various schemes. The authorities here are so helpful. It doesn't bear thinking about, what would have happened in Dorset; but I "flow I would have been in a 'Home' by now, heavily sedated, not thinking for myself and mother very much IN CARE' and costing the country far more than we are now. I have been living entirely on my own for quite a while now, apart from my very nice Home Care Assistant coming in every morning. I manage very well using my microwave and water heater. No real problems so far. My Home Carer comes for less than an hour a day and that is quite adequate at the moment.
I do everything I can before she arrives to prepare my food for the day, putting things like bread ready to be buttered and potatoes ready to be peeled (a knife is one thing I am still a little frightened of).
I am carrying on with all my committees, and will never feel lonely with my Computer in front of me, as there is always something more to learn on it, even if I only play games on it, Scrabble, Dominoes, Patience and Draughts etc. I’m happy. I have also been able to go on other Computer Courses, I am always ready to learn more, and have a go at all the many opportunities there are here for everyone, no matter who you are. It is all so wonderful and I can truly say that 'Life begins at sixty' and at long last can say that I'm really free.
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